Wednesday 28 March 2012

I am NOT trying to fulfill my own ambitions through my children

In a previous post (here) I have written about allowing my daughter, Flash, to compete in an athletics carnival while she was sick. As I sometimes do, I shared this post on my personal Facebook page. I then received a very surprising comment on my FB page about that post. The comment came form an extended family member…the person who married my partners brother.....

I have deleted it now but it went something like this:

 I will visit her in hospital when she has collapsed from exhaustion exacerbated by illness.. 

Not only was this written on my FB page, but as her own status upstate was written

A family member is trying to live her own ambitions through her children. The rest of the family think so too but I’m the only one willing to say anything…..

I could write forever about how inappropriate, disrespectful and hurtful I found these comments. Specially since a non-private medium like face book was used.

This commenter does not even really know Flash or myself. She lives hundreds of kilometers away and she does not see my family apart from rare family gatherings, about once a year.

What affected me the most was her assumption that I was trying to realise my own dreams through my children. It appears that she believes that allowing Flash to participate when she is sick is to fulfill my own ambitions for sporting grandeur. There is no way I would ever, knowingly endanger the health or well being of my child. Flash did have a bad cold for those recent competitions but was still desperate and able to compete.

I feel like I shouldn’t  have to defend myself against such outrageous allegations. I will just say here that these allegations are categorically untrue!

If you knew Flash, you would know that the drive and motivation to train and compete is all hers. She may be just 8 years old but her dedication is all hers.


Perhaps this picture is worth 100 words 


It has me wondering if other parents of sporty children are accused of living their dreams through their children. I wonder if these accusations increase as the children become successful? I wonder if the same is said about the parents of Olympic athletes or does the effort made by the parent to get heir child to competitions become ‘heroic’ rather than ‘abusive’.

These comments have directly attacked my ability and authority as a mother to make decisions for my children.

Comments such as these are so hurtful because I have poured every thing I have into my job as the mother of my children. It is something I am fiercely proud of. What sort of mother would I be if  I did not provide the opportunities for my children to reach their potential… Weather it be sport or any other interest.

The decision to send Flash to the sports carnival was her parents….and us alone. Nobody has the right to question this decision.

I would love to shout to the world just how disrespectful and condescending I found those comments…or perhaps I just have J

However, I refuse to dwell on this attack on my parenting. Instead I am determined to be thankful….

I am so thankful to my amazing friends for their comments on FB and kind and encouraging texts.

I am also very glad that the school district swimming carnival was held on the day these comments were made. I was surrounded by other parents who patiently listed to me and offered words of support and encouragement.

My friends and parent colleagues know Flash and myself and they know there is no way I would, or could, ever force her into competition, They know that Flash is herself driven and enthusiastic. I am so thankful for this support.

Perhaps it is this SportyMummy blog that has created a perception that I only care about sport….but sport is what this blog is about! It is fair to say that at the moment sport plays a big role in our families life. But sport is certainly not the only thing in our lives. Please...If you do not like the SportyMummy Blog, then don't read it!!!

I would so love to know if any other parents of sporty children have been accused of putting their own desires for success above the welfare of their own children??

In all honesty, I expected this blog to generate comments such as those made here by my children’s Aunt. I believed that I was equipped to handle them. However, having the rug pulled out from underneath me by a ‘family member’…with other members of the family implicated as well….. the very people who are supposed to care and support my children and myself as actually stunned me!

Although I have received words of support and encouragement from my friends….I have never felt more alone on this SportyMummy journey…..



For thankful Thursday, I’m linking up with Kate Says Stuff. The writing prompt for this week is “a picture is worth a thousand words”.......... I guess I’ve decided to write a thousand words instead!




32 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are going through this...Sounds like someone doesn't know you or your family very well.

    BTW, I think you mentioned your daughter by her actual name toward the end there...Just a heads up if that was something you had not meant to do!

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment! And thanks for the heads up!..all fixed I think :)

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  2. Hi, followed you over from Kate's :) I am really sorry your family member was so rude about you on fb :(

    Recently my daughter started dance comp classes. I have to admit I really do enjoy my "supporting role". It's almost like you have to begrudgingly participate to make it ok for the kids to be doing it! In reality, music and dancing are her hobbies and interest, when I try and help her directly, like go through youtube for songs etc, or watch practise over and over, I get bored very quickly. There's no joy for me in the taxi'ing to and from classes, making extra snacks and meals for outside of home, and so on. My enthusiasm comes from her enthusiasm, and seeing her make progress and perform and so on. The fact I get a kick out of concert stuff, like the social aspect with other parents, is a big bonus. There's no pressure on her to participate at a certain standard.

    I think it is a real concern, getting too invested in the outcome of these activities, but being invested in participating is GREAT! I only hope I can find the same spark in something my son chooses to do.

    Some people are misery guts and just don't like anyone feeling proud, having interests, obviously liking their kids out loud. Don't let her stop you!

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    1. Thanks so much for coming across to my blog and leaving such a kind comment. I really like how you draw the distinction of encouraging participation, but not being too invested in the outcome.

      There are so many great reasons for kids to be involved in sport. I can see how easy in can be to get carried away with the result. I honestly place participation, teamwork and character development above winning!

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  3. I am not surprised that you were criticized for allowing your kid to compete. I almost warned you in my comment on that post - because I have been accused of endangering my kids too. I am, however, surprised that it came from a family member. Keep doing what you are doing.

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    1. Thankyou so much Fran. I think I will be more guarded about what I post in the future. Thanks for your kind support.

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  4. Ashleigh's too young for me to add any observations from the parenting angle, but I know that when I was younger, there was no WAY my mum was stopping me from ANYTHING when I was sick! I even tried to play my netball grand final with a broken thumb one year!

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    1. Thanks Emily...that is too funny!!! I can just imagine you as a little girl desperate to play netball...even with a broken thumb!

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  5. Oh wow... i am so sorry that someone felt that it was their right to judge you and made such rude comments. I am glad that on the day you were surrounded by people who know you and your child well and were able to support yoiu through that with words of truth. x

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    1. Thanks so much Lyndaal! Hearing the supportive words from the other parents really helped!

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  6. Has your parter had a chat to his brother about his wife being a cow? Because you two are a parenting team. You didn't make that decision for her to compete in a vacuum - I assume Flash's dad has enough gumption to speak up if he didn't agree with her having a run. So basically she's just called out her husband's brother. Poor form!

    And it's completely inappropriate (and, frankly, cowardly) to bring this up on Facebook. If she was honestly that concerned, she should have called.

    Don't worry. Keep doing what you're doing. And thank god she lives a million miles away. Can you imagine that in the next suburb? Ouch.

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    1. Thanks so much for this awesome comment!

      GrumpyDaddy has chosen to stay right out of it. He agrees that the comments were rude and inappropriate but the comments don't seem to have affected him in the same way.

      ....between you and me ;) I wish he would do more...

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  7. Oh Love, tell her to mind her own bloody business, you have a great blog that encourages parents to support their kids in sports...jealousy perhaps? Go Girl xx

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    1. Thanks so much Jen. That was such a lovely thing to say! I emailed her and she replied saying she stood by her comments....

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  8. Hmmm.
    I, too, could write pages.
    There is nothing more wounding than being insulted as a mother.
    Who knows what issues drive someone to be so malicious and publicly nasty - but I hope you will rise above such inappropriate rudeness.
    Keep up the good work - and believe in your own judgement.
    :-) xx

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  9. Thanks for understanding Shar. I replied to her on facebook with this single sentence.

    "do you really think FB is the right forum for this??"

    I hope it will end now!

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  10. I totally get how you couldn't stop her from competing. When kids have their heart set in something they have been waiting for it can be beyond difficult to convince them otherwise. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses. I hope Flash is feeling better now

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    1. Thanks for understanding Rhi! She had a bad cold but is feeling better now.

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  11. what a horrible thing to happen. if someone were really genuinely concerned about a family member they would speak to them directly and not make snide comments on a public forum. does not say much about them as a person.

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment! That is exactly what I think too!

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  12. WHen I am up against people like that I think of my fathers favorite saying, "There are more horses asses in this world than there are horses!"

    Screw the nosy biddy-boddy. More importantly, How did your daughter do?

    Cranky Old Man

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    1. Thanks so much! your awesome comment just made me smile ear-to-ear!!

      Flash actually did great..She was happy just to have been able to participate, but she also got two 4th places and a silver medal for the long-jump!

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  13. Family members can be so disappointing. I really can't stand it when someone from your own family comes at you all "judgey McJudge-a-lot" when they should be giving you the benefit of the doubt. AS for posting it all over facebook- that is sooo highschool. Tell her to grow up and shut up!

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    1. Thanks Rhia! I think that was the worst part...finding it there on facebook for my other friends to see. It is so high school isn't it!

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  14. what a horrible thing to say! Facebook has just become a great way for people to bully and stick there noses in places its not wanted. We havent had moments like that yet because the kids are still pretty young but i imagine we will have moments like that too. I hope she is feeling a bit better now x

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    1. Thankyou! Facebook does seem to be going that way...I used to love it, but the attention seeking, passive aggressive status updates and bullying have really ruined it,

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  15. It's too easy for people to point the finger and say parents are living their dreams through their kids, whether it be sport, music, career or academics. Kids are often drawn towards things they know, or those that are familiar and quite often these are the things they grew up with, ofetn because of parental involvement.

    There is nothing unusual about a kid wanting to achieve sporting successes, especially if they come from a sporting family.

    I say ignore the ignorant comments and continue to support Flash in whatever she chooses.

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    1. Thanks so much Lisa for your thoughtful comment. I wish people wouldn't be so quick to point the finger either. I think I'll have to be more careful of what I write on the blog from now on.

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  16. I just found your blog and I'm so sorry to hear about the negative comments- especially from a family member who doesn't even know you or your daughter well.

    My girls play competitive year round soccer (futbol) and we too get many comments- even from well meaning family and friends. Trust me- soccer player was never one of my unfulfilled goals!

    I look forward to reading your blog- seems like youth sports issues are the same everywhere...Australia to California

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    1. Lovely to meet you! Thanks for your comment. I really wanted to know if other sports parents received comments along these lines.

      I'm looking forward to reading your blog too!

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  17. Many people miraculously develop the "courage" to speak up on Facebook... in all honesty, it's cowardice of the highest form. It's very easy to hide behind a computer screen and say what you think. My experience is that you don't need people like that on Facebook (just because they are family). I am very selective who I add and there are a number of family members I have removed (including a sibling). I do think your hubby should have defended you though.
    Kids who eat, sleep and breathe sport (or other passions) will compete because they love it.
    Chin up... who is this person/family member in the grand scheme of things??!!!!

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    1. Thanks so much for your understanding a support Liz. I have removed this person from my Facebook friends. It feels really 'high school' but I don't want her writing disparaging comments on my wall anymore. I have to say I have learnt a lot from this experience...

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